


as the saying goes, chickens don't have lips

by traptrixnepenthes



Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-11 00:49:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5607460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/traptrixnepenthes/pseuds/traptrixnepenthes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>i really don't have any summary for this. self-indulgent fluff involving iwamine shuu which should by definition be an oxymoron but it isn't.</p><p>involves human birds because i realized halfway through the plotting process that i couldn't make the premise work with birds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	as the saying goes, chickens don't have lips

It had to have happened at some point over the weekend; a prank as large as this certainly would have needed at least a day’s worth of time to set up. If Yuuya had still been showing up to school, I would’ve blamed him for the whole thing--maybe it was his brother, living on to honor his older brother’s final wishes, whispered to him in dying breaths as Yuuya laid in Sakuya’s arms... Pfft, as if!

But that still didn’t change the fact that _someone_ had put up mistletoe boughs above every single doorway in the school, and over some of the windows too. Who even had that much free time? And who was out there, trying to keep ancient customs alive?

Most of the other students either ignored them (probably not knowing their cultural significance) or laughed about them and passed through the doorways carefully, spirits high with how close winter break was. The staff, for the most part, seemed amused by the new decor--there was one hanging above each of the doors to the staff room, and no one seemed inclined to remove it.

They hung over the classroom doors too; I, of course, respectfully allowed everyone in before me and carefully made sure no one else was standing by the doorframe as i stepped in and closed the door behind me. Morning greetings were exchanged, blah blah, the general early morning in-class things that always happened happened. No need to dwell on the boring day-to-day stuff!

Homeroom began and as Professor Nanaki started class, Ryouta’s hand shot up and he started talking before he even got called on. “Sir, what are those bundles of plants over all the doors?”

“Ah, those are...”

“Those,” Sakuya interrupted, launching to his feet and immediately taking over, chest puffed out proudly, like a fancy bird showing off its plumage, “are mistletoe boughs, which are a traditional winter decoration. The tradition originated in medieval England but eventually spread worldwide, although the hanging of them has severely declined in the, oh, past hundred years or so.”

He didn’t actually mention _why_ they were hung, though. I’d spent enough time in the company of an all-knowing freshman in the library to figure it necessary to prompt him into telling everyone. At the very least, it’d probably be funny to see. “But why did they get hung up in the first place, Sakuya?”

He glanced at me, eyes cold--either he’d been about to get there, or he’d been deliberately trying to avoid bringing up the subject. “While I shamefully don’t know the original reason, the tradition evolved into a scenario where when two people meeting under the doorway where one is hung, they are to...kiss.”

There was some immature ooh-ing and giggling (what, are we in junior high again?) and Sakuya elegantly took his seat again, not deigning me important enough to warrant another look. Professor Nanaki smiled sleepily and said, “Yes, that’s exactly it. We’re still not sure who put them up, but we in the staff think it’s all just a bit of harmless fun, so we’ll be leaving them up until winter break starts.”

Class finally began properly, but instead of paying attention like a good little student I found myself wondering if everyone on the staff had agreed to this. But then, I had infirmary duty after class, so it looked like I’d be finding out soon...

\----------------

The school prankster, daredevil that they were, had hung a bough of mistletoe over the infirmary doorway. Nerves of steel. I carefully opened the door from the side, made sure there wasn’t anyone standing directly behind it, and stepped in. The room itself was the same as it always was--bedsheets and curtains crisply white, jars of medicines and jars of bandages and jars of whatever else was necessary for running a fancy high school’s infirmary were in neat rows in cabinets, and smelling like someone was using bleach as air freshener. Unlike how it always was, the school’s doctor wasn’t hunched over his desk like it was his true love. Actually, he wasn’t anywhere in the room.

Surprisingly, it was always creepier in the infirmary when the doctor wasn’t in. It’s like in jumpscare videos, when there’s some happy little normal scene playing, but when you _know_ that something is going to jump at you the instant your guard is down. Except instead of a normal scene there was just silence, stillness, and the smell of overused cleaning products.

Well, even if the doctor wasn’t here, I could still get to my usual duties! Cleaning up anything that hadn’t already been taken care of while avoiding a desk that looked like it had gotten hit by a tornado, and poking through all the cabinets to see what we were low on. I had a clipboard and everything, like a true professional, but as usual we weren’t really low on anything. While the average observer might assume that means we have a surprisingly healthy student body, it’s more like everyone was too intimidated to actually go to the infirmary. But honestly? After working there for a while, I’d come to the conclusion that there wasn’t really anything to be scared of. Just rumors, and a doctor with an overly-morbid sense of humor.

It didn’t take very long to finish up what I was tasked with doing, and no one from any of the sport clubs came in with any scrapes or cuts or shattered bones or anything, so I was set to leave pretty quickly. I wanted to wait around for the doctor but as I knew from past experience, he’d just ask some pointed questions about why I was hanging around, and then kick me out. So I picked up my bag from where I’d dumped it on the floor and opened the door to leave.

Standing directly behind it, a hand outstretched, was the previously absent doctor. I hadn’t even heard him walking up to the door! Finally, caught in the act of one of his ninja moves!

And. Ah. Underneath the doorway. Underneath the mistletoe.

I smiled, and didn’t move. “Doctor Iwamine! I didn’t think you were coming today! I already finished all the rest of the cleaning and checking the stock and--”

“Good. Did anyone come while I was gone?” His voice sounded tired, to match the bags under his eyes. I’d wondered about it before, but was he getting enough sleep? Was working at a high school really that stressful?

“Nope, no one. Actually, it looks like not many people are coming in lately, since we’re fully stocked on almost everything.”

“Good.”

And silence. Neither of us moved. I sure didn’t have any plans to get out of his way just yet, and he didn’t try to shove past me. Not that he was even looking at me--his eyes were probably on his desk, trying to make sure I hadn’t messed with it. How would he even be able to tell, with what a mess it was?

And the silence stretched awkwardly on, until I blurted out, “Did you hear about the mistletoe?”

 _That_ got his attention, and his eyes were on me again. Just as they should be. Oops, did I think that out loud? “What are you talking about?”

“Over the weekend someone snuck into school and hung mistletoe over all the doors! And Professor Nanaki said the staff decided to leave them up until winter break started. Did you hear?”

He glanced up, and then looked back at me. He looked impatient, but since I still didn’t have any threats to amputate my limbs, I was doing fine. I think. “No. What does that have to do anything?”

“Don’t you know the tradition behind it?”

Doctor Iwamine smiled, this patronizing little curve of the lips that said something negative about my intelligence. “I thought you knew I didn’t abide by superstitions, miss.” ( _Still didn’t keep you from putting up a wish tag,_ I thought smugly.) “So, if you’ll excuse me...”

I held firm, trying to grab his attention again. “It’s not a superstition, sir, it’s just a tradition! Something people do for fun! You really haven’t heard of it?”

Oops. At the mostly unintended jab at his knowledge, he narrowed his eyes at me. Was that bloodlust I sensed? “No. I only pay attention to important things, after all.” The doctor crossed his arms and leered down at me, a haughty look on his face. “But if you think it’s so important, I suppose I can hear you out. In exchange for--”

“I’m not giving up any of limbs for this!”

“...I was joking, miss. Merely joking.” He looked genuinely amused this time, which was rare! New memories every day, that’s what high school is for. “I’ll hear you out regardless, since you don’t seem intent on moving.”

“Well, the tradition is...” All of a sudden. My heart was racing. This had been my intention from the start, but now that it was actually here... “Well, it says that if two people, that is, you and me, are standing under the doorway where a bough of mistletoe is hung...”

He watched me patiently, arms still crossed. Was I blushing? I really hoped I wasn’t blushing. That’d make this even _more_ embarrassing.

“...they, uh. The tradition is, they’re supposed to...kiss.” Dang! Was this how Sakuya felt in front of the whole class earlier?

“...I really don’t think that’s proper conduct for a teacher and a student, miss.” What was this guy’s name again? Doctor Iwamine Shuu? No, that can’t be right. Clearly it was Doctor Party Pooper. Doctor Dream Ruiner! Doctor Goal Destroyer!

But rejection only made me cling tighter to my goals. A hunter-gatherer girl won’t let up until she’s caught her prey! “It’s not like anyone would know! No one’s even around this late after school.” And no security cameras either, or else those rumors that people disappeared from the infirmary would have never gotten off the ground.

He paused, and thought for a moment. Was he...actually considering it? My heart was pounding and I couldn’t say anything. Just wait for the verdict. “Well...perhaps. In exchange for, let’s say, one of your more valuable internal organs?”

“What if I said you already stole my heart?” I challenged, resisting the urge to point out that he’d already pulled that line on me earlier this conversation.

Something in Doctor Iwamine’s face changed, and those lavender eyes studied me carefully. But...for once, it didn’t feel like he was analyzing me like a well-preserved lab sample. More like when you’re looking at a bookcase in the library, trying to decide which book is perfect. It was kinda weird, actually. “What a peculiar girl you are...I’d love to examine your brain, just to see what makes you who you are. You do realize, had anyone else said that, I’d be fully expecting the organ in question on a table in front of me?”

I was...an exception. I wasn’t sure if that was a good or a bad thing, but if it’s good then i may as well run with it! “So...does that mean it’s okay, then?”

“Once.”

And that was it. He didn’t even move down to kiss me. Doctor Iwamine--sorry, Doctor Iwa _meanie_ \--just stood there, waiting, and honestly I don’t know why I expected anything else from someone like him. But like I said, a hunter-gatherer girl never lets her prey get away from her, especially not when he’s standing about three inches in front of her! I had to lean up on my toes to compensate for the fact that he’s a sentient tree, and with just the right timing, planted my lips on his. It was just a quick peck, honestly.

And to be completely honest? It kinda sucked.

Like, you know how generally when you’re watching bad dramas on TV, when the kiss scene happens, both parties involved are actually putting effort into it? And even though they didn’t have any chemistry whatsoever you get all emotional because you’re a bleeding heart romantic because they love each other so much? It was absolutely nothing like that.

The doctor just kind of stood there, not moving. Which was why the thought suddenly hit me, what if that right there was the first kiss he’d ever had? What if he was just as much of a loser as someone who’d fall for the creepy school doctor? I should have done something better than _that_...but it wasn’t like he was putting any effort in either!

He glanced away from me, which was probably the Iwamine Shuu version of blushing and melting into the floor, and said in a very business-like tone, “Be sure not to tell anyone of this. Or I’ll have to, as the saying goes, kill two birds with one stone.”

I stepped aside and _fiiiinally_ let him into the infirmary. I hefted my bag over one shoulder, and grinned. “Don’t worry! You know what they say, curiosity killed the cat!”

And I turned and ran out before I said something stupid about the kiss, because that seemed like a quick ticket to a much shorter life expectancy than I wanted.


End file.
